I love God. I swear a bit. Maybe more than a bit. And I love people with abandon.
For a long time, I thought I was going to grow up and be an actress. I started theater in seventh grade and kept acting in school and local productions through graduation. I loved the stage, the people, the stories, and probably the idea that there was a script and somebody knew what happened next.
Then came my first major plot twist.
I was pregnant and unmarried.
It was the 1980s, and there wasn't much of a roadmap for a young unmarried woman having a baby. There was plenty of judgment and not nearly as much grace.
I made the decision to place my daughter for adoption. It was heartbreaking and soul-tearing. I wanted to be a mother more than almost anything in the world, but I also knew I wasn't ready to be her mother yet. And somehow, in the middle of being profoundly sad and incredibly lonely, I had peace. I believed God was leading me there even though absolutely nothing about it felt easy.
You might think an experience like that would have taught me once and for all that God was in control and I was not.
That would make for a lovely story.
It would also be bullshit.
There were more plot twists. Divorce. A move across the country to a place where I knew no one. A completely different career than the one I imagined. A new marriage, which is still my favorite plot twist ever. A house full of children. Together, my husband and I have four. And a career that has allowed me to meet extraordinary people and visit places I once only saw in books.
Through all of it, God has been faithful to His Word.
I have been considerably less consistent.
I've always loved God. I've also always been pretty fond of control. I can pray for God's direction while maintaining a surprisingly detailed opinion about what that direction should be, how quickly He should get there, and which people He might want to straighten out along the way.
My mother understood this about me.
She introduced me to something she called the God Columns.
When I was carrying too much, she would tell me to write everything down and sort it into three places:
My Business. None of My Business. God's Business.
Once it was on paper, she would point out how very little of what I was worrying about actually belonged in my column.
Some things were mine to do. Some belonged to other people. Some belonged only to God.
Simple concept. Much harder practice.
Then my mother died at 61, a plot twist none of us saw coming.
Eventually life filled back in around the grief. I got busy and stopped thinking much about those columns until years later, when something happening with our oldest son brought me to my knees.
I was praying, worrying, strategizing, protecting, anticipating and trying to solve things that simply weren't mine to solve.
And I knew God was asking me to let go.
Not to stop loving. Not to stop showing up. Not to stop doing what was actually mine to do.
Just to stop trying to do His part too.
The God Columns came back.
And this time I understood them differently.
They aren't really about organization. They're about surrender. They're about figuring out what faithfulness requires from me today and releasing the things that were never mine to control in the first place.
That is a large part of what I bring to Grace & Plot Twists.
I know what it is to expect one life and get another one. More than once. I know what it is to love God and still have questions, to trust Him and still want control, to have peace about one thing and be absolutely pissed off about another.
I don't have a formula for getting through the life you didn't plan. I'm not particularly interested in pretending there is one.
I do believe God is faithful in the middle of it.
And I have three columns.
I'm available to speak to women's groups, churches, retreats, conferences, podcasts, and other gatherings about faith for the life you didn't plan, the God Columns, control and surrender, adoption, grief, unexpected change, rebuilding, and what it looks like to keep loving God when life no longer resembles the script you thought you were writing.
I'm not interested in standing on a stage and handing women a neat answer. I'd rather tell the truth, share what I've learned, laugh when laughter belongs there, and make room for women to recognize some of their own story in mine.
For speaking inquiries, email info@graceandtwists.com.
